some background

Sunday, September 6th I tweeted that I was attending a Sunday Morning Bible Class for the first time in awhile. I mentioned that I was feeling some stress about going to the class. Some of you have asked me why. I will try to explain.

This missive will have background information that some of you are aware of. Bear with me, or skip the parts you know. One of my quirks is that I can never tell a short story. Thanks again for your interest.

I have been sitting here thinking of how to start this. My thoughts wander, and I get off track. I will force myself to focus on the question at hand. Dewayne wanted to know why I was stressed about going to a Sunday School class. So, as best I can.....

I am a Christian, and I believe in Jesus Christ with my whole heart. I always have. I have felt the presence of God in me as long as I can remember. I am also a man who goes overboard. I prefer to go all in or fold, not liking moderation very much. I was made this way and I have found that not many other people are. I suppose God made me this way on purpose and therefore I was destined to go into vocational Christian ministry.

When I was posted in Europe while in the Army, I met a woman who, in some ways, is like me. My Lara is much more moderate, but felt as strongly as I did about Jesus and all that western Christianity focuses on: personal holiness, evangelism and, unfortunately, appearances. I digress, I will focus on the issue, not the negatives.

Lara and I fell deeply in love, while overseas. She was serving God and I was serving America. I wanted to do what she was doing. I wanted to serve my Lord. Everyone around us encouraged me. I wish I could tell you how many times I was reassured that if one wanted to serve God vocationally, all one had to be was willing. I later found that to not always be the case.... but I digress again.

So, convinced God had called me to work in ministry (and I still think He did) we made our plans, left the military and moved to Texas. Lara got a job teaching school in Bryan, and we moved there. We joined Central Baptist Church and I started going to college. Encouraged by our church, I did eventually become ordained and get a ministry job. That led to a string of minor jobs in ministry and eventually to being the pastor of a church. I really should have had more practical training, but that is another story.

I went to seminary, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary as a matter of fact. It was really good. I learned a lot about being Baptist, some about the Bible, some about the Lord and not nearly enough about myself. I didn't learn that the fishbowl of leadership demands that one must restrain oneself and not be very open, especially when one is new and unaware of what the game is, how it is played or what the rules are.

I was an ambitious young pastor, as I expect most are. I have heard that the long time pastor of First Baptist Dallas, W.A. Criswell said that a pastor was not worth anything until he had been fired a couple of times. If that is actually a quote of his, he was right. There is nothing that will temper ambition and idealism like getting fired, or at least having things go bad on you. I was under the delusion that people would just follow the leadership of a pastor without really opposing that leadership or challenging it. Boy THAT was naive.

I studied, taught classes, preached sermons, counseled, held hands, sat with people waiting to die, comforted the grieving, extolled workers, challenged the meek and opened myself up to, if not attack, certainly challenge. I made mistakes in public that made me vulnerable. I was an instrument of God, and at the same time a hindrance to His plans.

When my vocational ministry ended, it ended ugly. No need for the gory details, let it simply be known that I saw the good and evil in many people. I was hurt and discouraged. I am not the first to have ministy go bad. Jesus told His disciples in John 15... "Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also." The 12 were ALL martyred except John and Judas. Pastors and church leaders have been persecuted and challenged by those they serve since before Jesus came. I was foolish to not understand this.

I thought God would somehow allow me to be special, I guess. I still wonder if that is the reason why I failed as a minister? I constantly wonder about my own sin and shortcomings as a man and follower of Christ. Did my failings cause God to remove me from His service? With my rebellious nature ans sinful tendencies, how could I ever expect to be used by God? (How does God define "His service"? That is something I am dealing with now) Then I remember in my thoughts great servants of God through the ages and how badly they behaved. King David ordered a man's death in order to have that man's wife. The list of fallen servants of God goes on in length. God's greatest servants sometimes failed miserably. Somehow since my departure from ministry this knowledge has been no comfort. I still find ways to blame myself.

So who is to blame for my failure? I would love to blame God. I would love to blame hard headed people in churches. I would love to blame my mentors or the lack of practical leadership training in the SBC. But I keep coming back to myself. Who is to blame? Maybe someday I will know. Evidently it is not for me to know now.

Since my departure from ministry church just hurts. I cry in almost every service or Bible study I attend. Still today this is true. It gets to be a little embarrassing to be honest about it. I am beginning to think that our church staff has a file of studies and messages for me, and anytime I show up at church they scrap the plan for the day and pull something out of my file to teach or preach right at me.

I thought I was past some of this a little over a year or so ago. I started to attend a Sunday morning class taught by a retired pastor, Pastor Beck. He ate lunch with me once and got my story from me. He empathized with me and shared my pain. The class he led was an extension of the membership class of the church. It was basically a tutorial on the Lutheran church, Lutheran theology and Lutheran culture. It was comfortable to a point. Mostly because I had more theological education than most of the class members. But even that was difficult to the point that I stopped going.

Since that time, my church attendance has continually dwindled. My appearances at church have become the exception rather than the rule. It is easier to go ride bicycles, or motorcycles, go to brunch or stay at home than to face the pain of church. And when I do go I avoid Sunday School classes and go get coffee or find a quiet corner to sit in by myself. I want my children to get a solid Christian education, you know, learn the basics of being a Christian. But I am not very interested in facing myself or my God in such an intimate setting as a small group class.

But, September 6th I was having coffee in the fellowship hall when the time came for the pastor's class began to gather. I really wanted to get out of there. The last time I attended the pastor's class, our senior pastor, Knippa taught the class. He has heard some of our story, but Lara and I have avoided a meeting with him to really talk for years. Somehow he still manages to hold a PhD into my soul. He taught that class on how people can serve God. I sat there with tears rolling from my eyes trying not to blubber and make a spectacle of myself. At some point he noticed and carefully spoke to me in such a way as not to single me out, basically telling me to come see him in private. I still have not done that.

Anyway.... sitting there two Sundays ago, I was getting ready to go find my favorite spot of seclusion when I realized both our pastors were out and one of my favorite people in the church was teaching the class. It would cover what the Bible says about grief. I should have run out of there at top speed. I have no idea what made me think I could get through that topic without looking like a fool. But I sat there with a fresh cup of coffee and waited to see what the Holy Spirit of God might have for me.

It was a big step, and I felt stress about it because of all those things I've already talked about in addition to those I am about to discuss.

He covered many passages of scripture, noting how the Bible dealt with grief. He was really focusing on the grief of losing a loved one to death and I was doing okay. Then he brought up Luke 24 and the two disciples on the road to Emmaus. The Emmaus Road story is a staple of modern Christian life and teaching. Most Christians know the story well. I was okay with it, I have studied the passage extensively. I had not even uttered a word in the class thus far.

You don't have to have ever attended a Bible Study class with me to know how amazing that is. Knowing me for any length of time will lead you to amazement and disbelief that I kept my big mouth shut that long. Probably 45 minutes or so.

Jim then got me talking a little and sucked me into participation and involvement. I was had at that point. No one has ever been set up better than I was at that moment. It had to be God, because I know Jim wouldn't have done this in public, he was just teaching a class.

He discussed how Jesus appeared to the two men, and they were... "kept from recognizing him." Jim then pointed out that they were grieving the loss of Jesus for several reasons, and that their grief kept them from seeing Jesus right there with them. He looked around the room and asked if we had ever been so grieved that we just couldn't see Jesus. I thought to myself... "Yeah, for about 7 years!"

I managed not to cry. But I knew before the class started that staying was a mistake. I knew that somehow God would find a way to reach out to me. God has several times shown me in the last year or so that He still knows I am here, and it makes me very uncomfortable.

And it is easier to avoid God than to face Him.

What am I to do?

I don't expect anyone who reads this to answer my question. And I certainly do not wish to lead anyone away from God, quite the contrary. I hope you find some encouragement in my musings.

In summary, I felt stress because I am uncertain of my relationship with God, uncertain of what He wants of me and for me, uncertain of what God thinks of me and uncertain how to proceed.

Well, if anyone has made it this far in the reading of my thoughts, I am surprised. thank you having enough concern about me and interest in me to read this far. Let me conclude this blog with the following thought.... God seems to find us wherever we are, no matter how hard we try to avoid Him. In my experience He does so in love and patience.

I won't end all my blogs this way, and I will probably blog on issues where a blessing will be inappropriate, but seems to be so now.

"The LORD bless you
and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace."

Numbers 6:24ff